Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The Tinder Games –Date #6

Date #6
 
The Skinny
Name
Richard Gere (celebrity aliases subbed in for all; any similarity to an actual celebrity is unintentional and accidental –thanks!)
Date Spot
Teddy & the Bully Bar
Time
Happy Hour
Day of the Week
Friday, 15 July 2016
The Weather
93° (and pretty damn gross –pardon my language, but this weather SUCKS)
 
The 1st Impression
Age
29 (probably, but it’s hard to tell when they’re so overweight, ‘cuz the skin gets stretched Taut… you know?)
Height
Middling (but he would look taller if he was, you know, Tight)
Weight
Boule de Suif (I’m fit. So they should be too. I am a broken record //sigh//)
Sartorial
T-shirt & shorts, w/ a flannel, LS (rolled up to the elbows); (he used the gross weather as his excuse for changing out of his workday suit, but I find this UNACCEPTABLE. Despite the Melting Heat, I still pulled it together –if us girls have to STYLE IT UP No Matter the Weather, then guys should have to too!)
DC, MD or VA?
DC
Donkey or Elephant?
Uncertain (likely liberal, but he was way too into my feet to not be a Republican, right?)
 
The Pay Grades –Over, Under, or Even
Age
Below my pay grade (not too young, but –yeah, too young)
Height
Below (If he was fit, the disparity wouldn’t be so bad –just saying)
Weight
Below (you live in DuPont surrounded by gyms –find one!)
Looks –Don’t Lie; They matter
Below (cute –but hard to tell if that’s youth, the skin being looking fresh due to being stretched TAUT beneath a beard and moustache, or DNA)
Place in Life a.k.a. Level of Adulthood
Even or Below my pay grade (but uncertain and too uncomfortable over the foot fetish to find out!)
 
The Q&A
Did the presented human match the photos?
More or less (If you squint and pretend it’s 5 or so years ago, when he was still fit –you know, Tight)
Who picked the date location?
He did
How was the conversation?
Totally fun!
Who picked up the check?
He did (so, is he a Republican or a Democrat????)
Was there a kiss?
Yes (and awkward as F)
Will there be a 2nd date?
Mayhaps (but I’ve ghosted on him, so…)
If yes to a 2nd date, is sex on the table?
Most likely not Ever, no, sir, thank you! (lol)
How did things end, i.e. will you be Friends, Foes, or FWB?
Friends (but we’re gonna be Foes –because the whole feet fetish thing…)
 
 
TL:DR
 
Tuesday, 2 August 2016
 
I’m pretty confident this guy is a Democrat. But, I’m also pretty confident this guy is a foot fetishist –and homey (that would be me) does Not play That.
 
Initially, I was horrified by his lack of alignment with his profile photos –which were clearly out of date / taken from incredibly slimming angles. Dude is overweight –and that crushes me every time, not only because it’s not pretty to look at, but because I continue to find it Completely Unfair that guys get to be fat and still be considered date material, but Not Girls Who Are Fat / Not Young / Not White / Not Blonde / Etc.
 
As with all the other 1st dates, I did what every disappointed girl has to do on this planet:
 
We just smile and pretend we’re going to have a good time with a guy who wouldn’t get a 1st glance from us at a bar, much less a 2nd glance –but thanks to online dating, can trick girls with old and/or grainy photos showing these poorly aging guys at their prime best (sigh).
 
And, yes, once one moves past the disappointing looks –the guys have been mostly okay. Good conversation, sometimes funny, sometimes awkward, mostly okay –helped immensely by my rules of 1st dates, which is of course to play a mouthless Hello Kitty whose only audible sound is the occasional giggle (I exaggerate, of course, but you know what I mean –I’m a good 1st date because I’m immensely agreeable and keep all my opinions to myself).
 
This guy was okay and might actually have been 29, but his heft and his beard made it difficult to tell just how honest he was being. Throw in the fact his photos had to be older based on how fit he looked in them… I was still willing to look past all that, because the company was solid –but the feet thing (shudder).
 
To each their fetish –sure. But, we didn’t meet on FootFetishes.com or whatever. We met via Tinder and on his profile there was no indication whatsoever he would ask repeatedly to give me foot rubs, which made every time he complimented my feet… well… extra weird.
 
I’m just not that into it.
 
And, I don’t appreciate that women can’t be honest for fear of being sliced and diced for easier dumping in the Anacostia –if women could be honest with guys about the bullshit guys sling at them, we might actually get less bullshit slung at us. But this kind of puppy training just isn’t worth our lives –like, I’m not willing to die to be honest with a total stranger who might kill me in response.
 
So, I didn’t say anything. I just ghosted on him, even though I had strongly implied a 2nd date was in the offing. Hey! At the time, I didn’t know about his thing with the feet –I learned that later, via text, as he kept insisting he’d like to give me a foot massage… and how much he liked my feet… no matter how many times I changed the subject / didn’t respond at all to the topic of feet.
 
Like, dude. Stop.

The Tinder Games –Date #5

Date #5
 
The Skinny
Name
Anthony Perkins (celebrity aliases subbed in for all; any similarity to an actual celebrity is unintentional and accidental –thanks!)
Date Spot
Red Derby
Time
Happy Hour
Day of the Week
Thursday, 14 July 2016
The Weather
103° (beyond gross –just in case I need to clarify)
 
The 1st Impression
Age
33 (LOL NO WAY! –more like 43, but not terrible looking)
Height
Above middling (I’ll go with “just tall enough,” which for me = 6’ or above, with 6’5” and up possibly being too tall, thank you very much)
Weight
Mostly tight (especially impressive in America for a dude in his condition, i.e. OLD)
Sartorial
Polo & Jeans (BUT, tight with a great haircut for an old guy)
DC, MD or VA?
DC (maybe? He said the Derby is his local bar, so…)
Donkey or Elephant?
Republican (possibly an anarchist; hopefully not a tea partier)
 
The Pay Grades –Over, Under, or Even
Age
On my pay grade (likely Above, since we’ve determined he’s lying about his age)
Height
Above (possibly in the perfect height “sweet spot” of 6’ to 6’5”)
Weight
Even (thanks for hitting the gym, lying-about-your-age old man!)
Looks –Don’t Lie; They matter
Below (but holding up pretty well for an old guy)
Place in Life a.k.a. Level of Adulthood
Even or Above my pay grade (but uncertain and not willing to put in the time to find out… lol!)
 
The Q&A
Did the presented human match the photos?
More or less (IF YOU ADD 10 YEARS OR SO lololololol –know what I mean?)
Who picked the date location?
He did
How was the conversation?
Totally OK if you looked past the conservative, clearly Republican comments
Who picked up the check?
He did (like the good Republican anarchist he is)
Was there a kiss?
No
Will there be a 2nd date?
Mayhaps (but I’ve ghosted on him, so…)
If yes to a 2nd date, is sex on the table?
Most likely not Ever, no, sir, thank you! (lol)
How did things end, i.e. will you be Friends, Foes, or FWB?
Friends (but we’re gonna be Foes once he figures out I’ve ghosted)
 
 
TL:DR
 
Tuesday, 2 August 2016
 
Okay, so this date was only half a month ago (lol). Ooh, man –I really am going to try and stay better caught up. Who could have predicted I’d have so many dates –and none of them psychos, to boot?!
 
Slated for today is Date #10 (10!), but we’re here to discuss Date #5: The Republican Who Picked Up The Check, But Lied About His Age & Name, So…
 
How much can I judge, really? I mean, okay, my pictures are honest(ly me) and only a few months old (at the Most), but beyond that –my profile name is not my name and two very happily married ladies did everything else (lol!).
 
I justified this to a friend last night over dinner:
 
Me: I mean, yeah, my name is a lie but a girl lying to protect herself from being chopped up for fish feed is Completely Different from a guy lying about his name –he is Totally Shady, he’s probably married AND has a criminal record.
 
My Friend: um… yeah. Totally
 
 
See?
 
It’s not just that guys lie about their age (fine, whatever), but their photos are also Total Lies. Somehow, it’s not worse to shave off a few years than it is to post up pictures that are not remotely recent –or am I alone in feeling this??
 
I am more deeply offended by the photos –because you can be old but still hot (that is, if you’re a guy; us ladies stop being attractive at 21, of course).
 
And this was actually the case with this guy –he really looked better in-person than in his 10-15 year-old photos (which also makes me wonder again about why guys choose such unflattering photos of themselves –but also insist how hot they are in them. Um… ha!)
 
Not a single one of these articles makes the point that honesty in advertising matters –well, it matters to me! lol:
 
 
 
 
Furthermore, none of these articles discuss why guys routinely choose unflattering photos. Hmmm… Well, I don’t suppose they’d have any data on how the actual dates (if any) went. Nor would they have any data on what their Subjects actually look like either!
 
 
But, wouldn’t that be interesting? There’s a large data gap / survey opportunity right there:
 
OkC / Match / eH / Tinder Researcher: So, how did the human match up with the photos they presented?
 
Female Subject: Total Catfish
 
Male Subject: What?
 
 
So, anyway, I did toy with the idea of a 2nd date, but ultimately, I ghosted on the guy. I just couldn’t get past the lying about his name thing. And, dude’s a Republican anyway. It was never gonna work out. I had a GF in town from ATL; he asked me to text once I had more free time. I never did. (And I never will.

The Tinder Games –Date #4

Date #4
 
The Skinny
Name
James Caan (celebrity aliases subbed in for all; any similarity to an actual celebrity is unintentional and accidental –thanks!)
Date Spot
Walter’s Sports Bar
Time
Happy Hour
Day of the Week
Monday, 11 July 2016
The Weather
83° (humid, but not terrifying –for a change!)
 
The 1st Impression
Age
36 (I think maybe actually, but he unmatched after we agreed to meet –what the heck is that protocol about?? I don’t wanna be matched again if this doesn’t work out, dude!)
Height
Somewhere above middling –not tall, but not short either
Weight
Mostly tight (like, middle-aged firefighter tight)
Sartorial
T-shirt & Jeans (BUT, I’ll give the guy a pass b/c mostly tight firefighter guy carried it off; dude looked pretty good in a tight T and jeans, let’s just say –not Calvin Klein hot, but does Bieber really look that good without airbrushing? Uh… no)
DC, MD or VA?
VA (somewhere in the dark, Dark woods)
Donkey or Elephant?
Democrat (definitely liberal –and, he didn’t pick up the check, which is turning into a reliable way to pick out the donkeys from the elephants –fascinating!)
 
The Pay Grades –Over, Under, or Even
Age
On my pay grade (in the perfect age “sweet spot”)
Height
Below (too short, but I could live with it… maybe)
Weight
Even-ish (thanks for hitting the gym, firefighter man!)
Looks –Don’t Lie; They Matter
Below (but not too far below –could be holding up better)
Place in Life a.k.a. Level of Adulthood
Below (possibly approaching Even to my pay grade, but –I have my doubts)
 
The Q&A
Did the presented human match the photos?
More or less
Who picked the date location?
I did
How was the conversation?
Totally vibed
Who picked up the check?
Dutch (and, once again, dude paid cash for each of his rounds –to avoid having to pick up the check?? Not sexy, guys!)
Was there a kiss?
No
Will there be a 2nd date?
Mayhaps (come on, a firefighter mostly in good shape… I mean, you know?)
If yes to a 2nd date, is sex on the table?
Well, this is a social experiment, so I really, Really shouldn’t (lol)
How did things end, i.e. will you be Friends, Foes, or FWB?
Friends (for now –he keeps texting, but I keep finding reasons not to meet up…)
 
 
TL:DR
 
Tuesday, 2 August 2016
 
Feedback: “not enough information” –excellent context-setting; but, how were the dates?
 
Response: valid critique –but, I am only blogging the 1st dates; follow up dates (if any) are strictly Off The Record (I mean, if I start seriously dating any of these research subjects… I’ll probably have to delete their entry lol!).
 
Besides, the dates have generally all been the same:
 
Step 1 –I show up looking amazing, no matter the weather ß this is actually true.
 
Step 2 –I spot the Subject and it takes all my powers of skill and imagination to not allow my immediate disappointment to show (i.e., why do the Tributes never match their photos??).
 
Step 3 –I’m an amazing 1st date ß I am, I really am. If they are Republican, I just smile and nod a lot. Either way, donkey or elephant, I laugh at all the jokes (even the un-funny ones and, let’s be honest, no guy is ever as funny as he wants to imagine the girl thinks he is).
 
Step 4 –I smile and nod, a lot.
 
Step 5 –I rarely over-order, mainly (a) in case it’s gonna be Dutch and/or (b) because I’m tiny and moderation is Key. The benefit for the guy –if he’s springing for the Whole Check –is that the final tab is never that much, (which makes me seriously question the bank of the boys who insist on splitting the bill –like, it’s not that much; you really can’t swing this??).
 
Step 6 –I speak of absolutely nothing of consequence. It’s truly amazing to me what a guy will listen to when you’re pretty and refuse to discuss the things you actually care about (e.g., politics, social injustice, world peace; etc.).
 
Step 7 –I don’t make a fuss over the check; and, everything ends on an upbeat (for them, hopeful) note –where bland pleasantries and empty promises are exchanged and then I dash off to a planned dinner or some such with a friend who I am 100% confident won’t dice me up for the poison fish of the Anacostia. Or, you know, whatever. (Ladies, always have post-Tinder date plans. Always.)
 
Step 8 –Then I review and cast my verdict… in a sort of timely fashion. Like this review of Date #4, which only took place roughly a month ago… uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh I am so behind! lol
 
 
So, should this be more of a dating journal than a date rehash? Or, should this be some sort of combination thereof?
 
And, how was Date #4, by the way?
 
Date #4 was fine. Which isn’t exactly a stellar recommendation, but time has seriously blunted my enthusiasm. If I think all the way back to early July… well, I was definitely way more into him and his blue-collar firefighter manliness then than I am now. I really thought there’d be a 2nd date, but his decision to text me only at odd hours sort of seriously blunted that enthusiasm –the enthusiasm to have a 2nd date, I mean.
 
And, this makes me wonder:
  • Am I such an amazing 1st date that the guys think I’m way more into them than the reality would suggest?
  • Do they think I’m so into them, I’m now all greased and ready to be their FWB or hook-up text buddy?
  • Like, they don’t need to bother with the expense and time-wasting pleasantries of a 2nd date?
 
Um… straight guys who might be reading this:
  • Pro-tip: make the 2nd date if you want a 3rd date to happen –and so on and so forth.
  • But, yeah: If you’re just trying to hook-up, message: Received.
  • And, Message: Rejected. lol