Sunday, July 24, 2016

The Tinder Games –Date #3


Date #3

The Skinny
Name
Andrew Garfield (celebrity aliases subbed in for all; any similarity to an actual celebrity is unintentional and accidental –thanks!)
Date Spot
Lost Dog Café
Time
Impromptu pre-Brunch Beer & Pizza
Day of the Week
Saturday, 9 July 2016
The Weather
Midday (can’t remember)

The 1st Impression
Age
22 (looked at least a little older in his profile –probably because he smartly wore a suit & tie)
Height
Half Pint (a real shorty, like –seriously. If I think someone is short, then they Really are)
Weight
Tight (but for a 12 year old (ha!), that’s not saying much for an average American guy)
Sartorial
T-shirt & Shorts (sigh)
DC, MD or VA?
VA (but relocating to DC –without any furniture. Naturally)
Donkey or Elephant?
No idea –probably Republican

The Pay Grades –Over, Under, or Even
Age
Way, way below my pay grade (way, Way too young)
Height
Below (definitely too short)
Weight
Even (thanks for hitting the gym, kid!)
Looks –Don’t Lie; They Matter
Even (kid’s a QT)
Place in Life a.k.a. Level of Adulthood
Below (possibly approaching Even to my pay grade, but at his age –doubtful)

The Q&A
Did the presented human match the photos?
Pretty much (but the kid is in his prime now –and he knows it)
Who picked the date location?
He did
How was the conversation?
Totally vibed
Who picked up the check?
He did (but only after some awkwardness –like, kid, not date much??)
Was there a kiss?
Yes (and awkward, unexpected, and incompetent as F)
Will there be a 2nd date?
Cute enough for one, but…
If yes to a 2nd date, is sex on the table?
…way, Way too eager to have sex, like someone who has just discovered The Joy of Sex and is way, Way too overeager to have as much of it as ineptly as possible.
How did things end, i.e. will you be Friends, Foes, or FWB?
Friends (but we’re gonna be Foes)


TL:DR

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Ooh, what a dear, inept, darling, cute, spoiled little boy. The kind of boy who goes home (to McLean) every weekend to be fed by mommy. Who moves out of the house (in VA) to an apartment (in DC), but without any furniture.

//sigh//

But, I’m getting ahead of myself here.

He looked cute in his profile photos. He was wearing a suit and tie, which really helped offset the hilarious age (22), and made him appear to be at least a little bit older. Maybe even mid- to late 20s! Though, of Course –who would ever purposely age themselves UP on a dating app? Answer: no one (lol).

We’d been trying to arrange a date for a while, but I’d discovered by this point that this (fun!) little project was consuming too much of my time and social energy as it was. On the one hand, his eagerness was appealing. On the other hand, his eagerness was really off-putting –and a glaring indicator of his youth and inexperience, as opposed to a mature impetuosity, (which can be appealing, I promise!).

Perhaps because I’d had one guy ghost on me because I refused to drive out to Fairfax / Tysons Corner DURING RUSH HOUR (and because he refused to meet me halfway in Georgetown after rush hour –screw you, random B&T dude! lol), when little boy (I mean, kid be SHORT) suggested we get together in VA on a Saturday before I had a birthday brunch to attend (also in VA), he was lucky –I was amenable.

We met at a random beer and pizza joint that I would recommend if it existed in The District (but it does not; I had to drive to VA to get there). He was totally cute in person (as long as he was sitting down; not standing up), which was a relief –and, we clicked, but only obviously because we both found each other to be very attractive.

In between solid, lighthearted conversation, he proceeded to eat ALL the pizza –but only AFTER he’d finished his beer to savor the taste (mmmK, whatever).

I just drank my beer and had one bite of pizza (because I had a birthday brunch to go to –duh) –which made his awkwardness over the check inappropriate and amusing. There should have been no question he would pick it up. Not only did he inhale almost the entire pizza, my tab couldn’t have been more than a few bucks.

Cough up, kid.

It’s not sexy if you can’t buy a girl a beer.

He did sweetly walk me to my car… EXCEPT THEN… he randomly and abruptly grabbed me and planted a big wet one on my lips. Like, badly. And, it lasted too long. And, it came out of nowhere. I was already confident he was using Tinder to get laid, but I didn’t need to experience any further evidence of it (lol!).

And, when I say “sex,” I mean: I sincerely doubt this kid is Not a Virgin, because if he is getting girls via Tinder, whatever he’s doing with them cannot possibly be sex –it’s probably climbing on top of a girl and using her vagina (sorry, mom!) to masturbate.

The Tinder Games –Date #2


Date #2

The Skinny
Name
Dustin Hoffman (celebrity aliases subbed in for all; any similarity to an actual celebrity is unintentional and accidental –thanks!)
Date Spot
Hooters à RFD à City Tap House
Time
After Dinner Drinks
Day of the Week
Thursday, 7 July 2016
The Weather
After Sunset (can’t remember)

The 1st Impression
Age
26 (but seemed older in person, so maybe not 26?)
Height
Middling
Weight
Not tight (go to the gym!)
Sartorial
T-shirt & Jeans (why is it girls have to dress up, but guys get to dress like crap? This lack of parity is UN-acceptable –plus, not sexy! amirite, ladies??)
DC, MD or VA?
Boston, MA (in town for a conference)
Donkey or Elephant?
Republican

The Pay Grades –Over, Under, or Even
Age
Below my pay grade (not necessarily too young; not necessarily too old)
Height
Below (definitely too short)
Weight
Below (I’m not a stick –but I am fit; get with it, guys)
Looks –Don’t Lie; They Matter
Below (I’m not vain, but I am cute)
Place in Life a.k.a. Level of Adulthood
Even (possibly Above my pay grade; possibly Below my pay grade)

The Q&A
Did the presented human match the photos?
Close but no (pictures presented were definitely from his “prime,” which I’m guessing was at least 4-5 years ago –so college?)
Who picked the date location?
I did to start (at Hooters, boo-yeah!) but we wound up where he had 1st suggested (City Tap House)
How was the conversation?
Totally awkward (his being right-wing enough to want to indict Hillary did Not help)
Who picked up the check?
He did (which seems to be a Republican thing)
Was there a kiss?
Yes (awkward but not terrible; just not competent)
Will there be a 2nd date?
Two words: Boston, Massachusetts
If yes to a 2nd date, is sex on the table?
Two words: Boston, Massachusetts
How did things end, i.e. will you be Friends, Foes, or FWB?
Foes (but not enemies)


TL:DR

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Ooh, boy. What can I say about this one? Flaming Republican –of Course he didn’t have Any problem with meeting me at Hooters. Only a Democrat would flinch, right? –or, at least, pretend to…

I agreed to meet up with this one, despite his only being in town for a convention thing-y, because he looked cute in his photos –plus, MIT! That has to mean brains, one would assume. One could also be wrong, but… I don’t know the admissions policy at MIT, so…

//sigh//

Well, the photos. Ooh, boy.

Probably 5, if not 10, years old. His profile said “26” but he seemed 28. I’m not really sure if he was lying. His pictures were dishonest, but that seems to be the general M.O. for not fit, not tall, not hot guys on Tinder (and in general). I get it, guys. I got you.

He wasn’t hideous in person, though. Until he opened his mouth and spouted anti-Hillary vitriol I never thought I’d have the privilege to hear in person, being as I live in The District (the delightful Beltway Bubble) and thought Republicans in these parts were like the dodos and the unicorns, i.e., NONEXISTENT.

Of course, he was visiting from Boston, Mass., an area I had not realized until that moment was a hotbed of hardcore-Republican, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-human being hatred –but apparently… it is!

Anyway, he didn’t go on about gays and immigrants (just Hillary), but mainly because I said nothing during his tirade, let him buy me a beer (at Hooters, of course), and then blithely changed the subject.

Only a moron would talk politics on a blind, random 1st date –especially a Tinder date –but, there you go. No one ever said Republicans weren’t morons… have they? I mean, outside of FOX “News,” I meant –have they ever? Um… I don’t know.

Anyway, beneath the thinly veined racism and misogyny, was a generally okay guy. Like, I was pretty confident I wasn’t going to end the night floating face down in the Anacostia or in bits in a trash can (yes, that actually happened) –that’s what I mean by “a generally okay guy,” just to be clear.

Anyway, I was confident enough to segue from Hooters (which was a disappointment in the looks department –me because the girls weren’t trying the way suburban Hooters girls at least try; him probably because all the girls were (COUGH) black) to RFD and then to City Tap House (his original pick for meet up location, which I actually liked).

As long as we didn’t talk about anything of consequence, everything was fine. It was a perfectly fine “nice to meet you! Let’s never talk again!” 1st date. No real complaints. He picked up the tab at Hooters and City Tap House; and, he “let me” pick up the check at RFD. What a gent!

The Tinder Games –Date #1


Date #1

The Skinny
Name
Youssou N'Dour (celebrity aliases subbed in for all; any similarity to an actual celebrity is unintentional and accidental –thanks!)
Date Spot
The Wonderland Ballroom
Time
Happy Hour
Day of the Week
Wednesday, 6 July 2016
The Weather
97° (in other words, gross)

The 1st Impression
Age
40
Height
Middling
Weight
Not tight (could use some time in the gym)
Sartorial
Office casual (but with a blazer); definitely DC Federal
DC, MD or VA?
DC (temporarily in CoHi)
Donkey or Elephant?
Unclear (suspect liberal, since he didn’t pick up the check)

The Pay Grades –Over, Under, or Even
Age
Below my pay grade (not necessarily too old but seems it)
Height
Below (definitely too short)
Weight
Below (I’m not a stick –I’m a curvy stick)
Looks –Don’t Lie; They Matter
Below (I’m not vain, but I am cute)
Place in Life a.k.a. Level of Adulthood
Even (possibly Above my pay grade, but uncertain)

The Q&A
Did the presented human match the photos?
More or less (photos may be a few years old; continue to be baffled by guys choosing unflattering photos)
Who picked the date location?
He did
How was the conversation?
Awkwardly okay (kind of crushed we sat at the bar, because the bartender was Cute as Hell)
Who picked up the check?
Dutch (and is this a thing, where guys pay cash as they go, to avoid picking up the check?)
Was there a kiss?
No
Will there be a 2nd date?
Probably not
If yes to a 2nd date, is sex on the table?
Definitely not (lol)
How did things end, i.e. will you be Friends, Foes, or FWB?
Friends (and I do mean that)

 
TL:DR

Friday, 22 July 2016

I’m writing this assessment over two weeks later –for many reasons. One being I’ve had way too many dates in two weeks (6! –with 7 up on deck… TODAY!). And two being, well, the dates haven’t been horrible (LOL!).

No, really! They’ve been… OK.

Like, not magical stars falling out the sky great, but no one has snuck off to the bathroom every 10 minutes to snort coke (and, yes, this has happened to me on a Match.com date, waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day), and no one has tried to impress me by doing parkour on sidewalk curbs and failing miserably (and, yes, this happened too on an OkC date, also waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, back in the day).

I’ve got a lot more horror stories where those two came from (well, actually, only about 6-9 in total, because I’m impatient and have never stuck around an app too long (like, after 3 bad dates, which –looking back –was about 100% the chances, I’d be, like, NAH, NOPE, and DELETE)), but none YET from this social experiment I’ve officially dubbed “100 Days of Swiping,” and unofficially dubbed “The Tinder Games.”

What gives??? –not that I’m complaining, per se, but it does make for a “What the heck do I write about then for this blog?!” situation.

Do I look backwards now that time has passed and he’s asked me to meet up with him twice –but I’ve been legitimately busy both times and have felt bad about it, especially when he finally threw in the towel and asked me to ping him when I was free sometime?

Do I look forwards, to after I’ve finally checked out new episodes of South Park and eaten at Buredo (two things we bonded over) and finally found time to hang out with him again –as strictly just friends, of course?

Do I even bother? The “I have enough friends already” comment has come up more than once (by others) and this statement is resoundingly true –not because I have 10,001 SUPER AMAZING FRIENDS; but because I have a small, tight circle I’m very happy with and have just the right amount of time for as my life is right now.

The only thing I’m really willing to make time for right now is a genuine relationship with a not just new friend and a not just a hook-up and a not just a random FWB (which this guy would never be anyway) –but an actual, honest to god, “we’re dating!” type thing.

I’m making enough time as it is for this random social experiment as it is and not taking it seriously –because, how can you?

But, the question has come up: What if you actually meet someone you want to date?

Good question!

Answer: I don’t know.