Date #3
The Skinny
Name
|
Andrew
Garfield (celebrity aliases subbed in
for all; any similarity to an actual celebrity is unintentional and
accidental –thanks!)
|
Date Spot
|
Lost Dog
Café
|
Time
|
Impromptu
pre-Brunch Beer & Pizza
|
Day of the
Week
|
Saturday, 9
July 2016
|
The
Weather
|
Midday (can’t remember)
|
The 1st
Impression
Age
|
22 (looked at least a little older in his
profile –probably because he smartly wore a suit & tie)
|
Height
|
Half Pint
(a real shorty, like –seriously. If I
think someone is short, then they Really are)
|
Weight
|
Tight (but for a 12 year old (ha!), that’s not
saying much for an average American guy)
|
Sartorial
|
T-shirt
& Shorts (sigh)
|
DC, MD or
VA?
|
VA (but relocating to DC –without any
furniture. Naturally)
|
Donkey or
Elephant?
|
No idea
–probably Republican
|
The Pay Grades –Over, Under, or Even
Age
|
Way, way below my pay grade (way, Way too young)
|
Height
|
Below (definitely too short)
|
Weight
|
Even (thanks for hitting the gym, kid!)
|
Looks –Don’t Lie; They Matter
|
Even (kid’s a QT)
|
Place in Life a.k.a. Level of
Adulthood
|
Below (possibly approaching Even to my pay grade, but at his age –doubtful)
|
The Q&A
Did the
presented human match the photos?
|
Pretty
much (but the kid is in his prime now
–and he knows it)
|
Who picked
the date location?
|
He did
|
How was the
conversation?
|
Totally
vibed
|
Who picked
up the check?
|
He did (but only after some awkwardness –like,
kid, not date much??)
|
Was there
a kiss?
|
Yes (and awkward, unexpected, and incompetent as
F)
|
Will there
be a 2nd date?
|
Cute
enough for one, but…
|
If yes to
a 2nd date, is sex on the table?
|
…way, Way
too eager to have sex, like someone who has just discovered The Joy of Sex
and is way, Way too overeager to have as much of it as ineptly as possible.
|
How did
things end, i.e. will you be Friends, Foes, or FWB?
|
Friends (but we’re gonna be Foes)
|
TL:DR
Sunday, 24
July 2016
Ooh, what a
dear, inept, darling, cute, spoiled little boy. The kind of boy who goes home (to McLean) every weekend to be fed by
mommy. Who moves out of the house (in VA)
to an apartment (in DC), but without
any furniture.
//sigh//
But, I’m
getting ahead of myself here.
He looked
cute in his profile photos. He was wearing a suit and tie, which really helped
offset the hilarious age (22), and made
him appear to be at least a little bit older. Maybe even mid- to late 20s!
Though, of Course –who would ever
purposely age themselves UP on a dating app? Answer: no one (lol).
We’d been
trying to arrange a date for a while, but I’d discovered by this point that
this (fun!) little project was
consuming too much of my time and social energy as it was. On the one hand, his
eagerness was appealing. On the other hand, his eagerness was really
off-putting –and a glaring indicator of his youth and inexperience, as opposed
to a mature impetuosity, (which can be
appealing, I promise!).
Perhaps
because I’d had one guy ghost on me because I refused to drive out to Fairfax /
Tysons Corner DURING RUSH HOUR (and
because he refused to meet me halfway in Georgetown after rush hour –screw you, random B&T dude! lol), when
little boy (I mean, kid be SHORT)
suggested we get together in VA on a Saturday before I had a birthday brunch to
attend (also in VA), he was lucky –I
was amenable.
We met at a
random beer and pizza joint that I would recommend if it existed in The
District (but it does not; I had to drive
to VA to get there). He was totally cute in person (as long as he was sitting down; not standing up), which was a relief
–and, we clicked, but only obviously because we both found each other to be very
attractive.
In between
solid, lighthearted conversation, he proceeded to eat ALL the pizza –but only
AFTER he’d finished his beer to savor the taste (mmmK, whatever).
I just drank
my beer and had one bite of pizza (because
I had a birthday brunch to go to –duh) –which made his awkwardness over the
check inappropriate and amusing. There should have been no question he would
pick it up. Not only did he inhale almost the entire pizza, my tab couldn’t
have been more than a few bucks.
Cough up,
kid.
It’s not
sexy if you can’t buy a girl a beer.
He did
sweetly walk me to my car… EXCEPT THEN… he randomly and abruptly grabbed me and
planted a big wet one on my lips. Like, badly. And, it lasted too long. And, it
came out of nowhere. I was already confident he was using Tinder to get laid,
but I didn’t need to experience any further evidence of it (lol!).
And, when I
say “sex,” I mean: I sincerely doubt this kid is Not a Virgin, because if he is
getting girls via Tinder, whatever he’s doing with them cannot possibly be sex –it’s
probably climbing on top of a girl and using her vagina (sorry, mom!) to masturbate.
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