Sunday, July 24, 2016

The Tinder Games –Date #3


Date #3

The Skinny
Name
Andrew Garfield (celebrity aliases subbed in for all; any similarity to an actual celebrity is unintentional and accidental –thanks!)
Date Spot
Lost Dog Café
Time
Impromptu pre-Brunch Beer & Pizza
Day of the Week
Saturday, 9 July 2016
The Weather
Midday (can’t remember)

The 1st Impression
Age
22 (looked at least a little older in his profile –probably because he smartly wore a suit & tie)
Height
Half Pint (a real shorty, like –seriously. If I think someone is short, then they Really are)
Weight
Tight (but for a 12 year old (ha!), that’s not saying much for an average American guy)
Sartorial
T-shirt & Shorts (sigh)
DC, MD or VA?
VA (but relocating to DC –without any furniture. Naturally)
Donkey or Elephant?
No idea –probably Republican

The Pay Grades –Over, Under, or Even
Age
Way, way below my pay grade (way, Way too young)
Height
Below (definitely too short)
Weight
Even (thanks for hitting the gym, kid!)
Looks –Don’t Lie; They Matter
Even (kid’s a QT)
Place in Life a.k.a. Level of Adulthood
Below (possibly approaching Even to my pay grade, but at his age –doubtful)

The Q&A
Did the presented human match the photos?
Pretty much (but the kid is in his prime now –and he knows it)
Who picked the date location?
He did
How was the conversation?
Totally vibed
Who picked up the check?
He did (but only after some awkwardness –like, kid, not date much??)
Was there a kiss?
Yes (and awkward, unexpected, and incompetent as F)
Will there be a 2nd date?
Cute enough for one, but…
If yes to a 2nd date, is sex on the table?
…way, Way too eager to have sex, like someone who has just discovered The Joy of Sex and is way, Way too overeager to have as much of it as ineptly as possible.
How did things end, i.e. will you be Friends, Foes, or FWB?
Friends (but we’re gonna be Foes)


TL:DR

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Ooh, what a dear, inept, darling, cute, spoiled little boy. The kind of boy who goes home (to McLean) every weekend to be fed by mommy. Who moves out of the house (in VA) to an apartment (in DC), but without any furniture.

//sigh//

But, I’m getting ahead of myself here.

He looked cute in his profile photos. He was wearing a suit and tie, which really helped offset the hilarious age (22), and made him appear to be at least a little bit older. Maybe even mid- to late 20s! Though, of Course –who would ever purposely age themselves UP on a dating app? Answer: no one (lol).

We’d been trying to arrange a date for a while, but I’d discovered by this point that this (fun!) little project was consuming too much of my time and social energy as it was. On the one hand, his eagerness was appealing. On the other hand, his eagerness was really off-putting –and a glaring indicator of his youth and inexperience, as opposed to a mature impetuosity, (which can be appealing, I promise!).

Perhaps because I’d had one guy ghost on me because I refused to drive out to Fairfax / Tysons Corner DURING RUSH HOUR (and because he refused to meet me halfway in Georgetown after rush hour –screw you, random B&T dude! lol), when little boy (I mean, kid be SHORT) suggested we get together in VA on a Saturday before I had a birthday brunch to attend (also in VA), he was lucky –I was amenable.

We met at a random beer and pizza joint that I would recommend if it existed in The District (but it does not; I had to drive to VA to get there). He was totally cute in person (as long as he was sitting down; not standing up), which was a relief –and, we clicked, but only obviously because we both found each other to be very attractive.

In between solid, lighthearted conversation, he proceeded to eat ALL the pizza –but only AFTER he’d finished his beer to savor the taste (mmmK, whatever).

I just drank my beer and had one bite of pizza (because I had a birthday brunch to go to –duh) –which made his awkwardness over the check inappropriate and amusing. There should have been no question he would pick it up. Not only did he inhale almost the entire pizza, my tab couldn’t have been more than a few bucks.

Cough up, kid.

It’s not sexy if you can’t buy a girl a beer.

He did sweetly walk me to my car… EXCEPT THEN… he randomly and abruptly grabbed me and planted a big wet one on my lips. Like, badly. And, it lasted too long. And, it came out of nowhere. I was already confident he was using Tinder to get laid, but I didn’t need to experience any further evidence of it (lol!).

And, when I say “sex,” I mean: I sincerely doubt this kid is Not a Virgin, because if he is getting girls via Tinder, whatever he’s doing with them cannot possibly be sex –it’s probably climbing on top of a girl and using her vagina (sorry, mom!) to masturbate.

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